


A Life Lost Too Soon

by Rixtide



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: About Ben's Death, Abuse, Angst, Ben's death, Canon Compliant, Character Death, Crying, Depression, Diego is a Good Brother, Drug Use, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Everyone Needs A Hug, Gen, Ghosts, Graphic, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, I'm not kidding, Klaus Sees Ghosts, Klaus is a good brother, Klaus needs a hug, Lots of Crying, Mental Illness, No Incest, Protective Diego Hargreeves, Protective Siblings, Recovery, Sibling Love, Sibling Rivalry, Siblings, Someone Actually Cares About Vanya, Suicide, Superpowers, Watch me dodge Luther, inference about ben's death, mental health, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2019-12-26 10:38:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18281270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rixtide/pseuds/Rixtide
Summary: This fic is my take on Ben's death (and the events following) from Klaus' point of view.Summary:After finding Ben and feeling responsible for his death, Klaus falls into emotional turmoil. With the help of his siblings, particularly Diego, he must learn to navigate through the darkest period of his life to face his struggles with his powers, grief, drugs, and past abuse.





	1. The Darkest Day

Klaus noticed Ben wasn’t himself lately. Rather, he _was_ himself, just much less willing to come out of his room. He had always been quiet and melancholy, but he barely even talked to his siblings anymore. Klaus would sometimes pass by his door and try to make conversation, but Ben only answered with an irritated huff. He had gotten in a fight with dad last week. A mission report came in, but Ben refused to go. Reginald told him off, but it only made him angrier. Ben wasn’t typically the type to stand his ground. Allison once called him a pushover, so it came as a shock to everyone when his last interaction with their father ended a yelling match and a slammed door.

Missions were harder without him, but Klaus found that the most difficult part was the ripple effect this new behavior had on Diego. Diego and Ben were two peas in a pod growing up. Klaus was rarely included in their late night trips to the donut shop a few blocks down. They would even rather invite Five than him.

Diego hadn’t taken well to Ben’s sudden silence. He snuck out more and more often, and his attitude descended further into coldness and frustration. Whenever he was home, he was arguing with Luther or defacing one of his favorite books. The only way Reginald could get him to behave was to send their mother in to deal with him. Her presence was the one thing that could soften his hostility. The family was falling apart. Five was gone, Ben was barely present, and Diego had one foot out the door.

Klaus missed Allison. She used to be kind. He missed the days when they would dress up in all of her fancy, frilly clothes and pretend to strut down a catwalk in the hallway. Now all she cared about was Luther, and Klaus couldn’t help but feel resentful.

Things were not the same as they used to be, and the whole house felt like one big bomb waiting to explode.

Klaus reached into his pocket and pulled out a small plastic packet that contained a few pills. He managed to steal them off of a man who was passed out behind a dumpster two days ago. He popped one into his mouth without giving it much thought.

It didn’t take long to start feeling the effects of the drugs. He went to his room and changed out of his uniform into a soft yellow v-neck shirt and jeans that were ripped at the knees. Looking in the mirror, he sighed to himself. He rolled up the hem of his top and pressed it flat so that some of his stomach was exposed. He smiled and stood there for a moment, swaying, before he reached to his desk for a pair of old silver scissors. He pulled the shirt off and carefully began snipping at the fabric along the bottom until it was cropped to a more desirable length. The next time he put it back on, his heart fluttered. He stepped back in front of the mirror in a wide stance and jutted his hip out to the left. He reached up and placed his fingers on his neck, looking at the visible bit of flesh on his tummy. He felt pretty. He felt unstoppable. Normally, inhibition and self-doubt would take hold right about then, but he felt too good. He flung his bedroom door open and started to strut down the hallway. Pausing at the end, he looked down. One last touch. He bent down and cuffed his jeans before spinning around to strut the other way.

He heard footsteps slowly clunking up the staircase, and he could tell almost immediately that they were from none other than Reginald himself. He quickly ducked back into his room and closed the door. The sudden fear mixed with the euphoria from the drugs to create an adrenaline rush in his brain, and before long, he felt his body collapse into his bed and melt away into the blankets. Sleep overcame him, and he didn’t awaken until the next morning.

 

* * *

 

Klaus opened his eyes to a bright yellow glow coming through the window. Based on the light, it was about 9am. He missed breakfast. Reginald used to be extremely strict about having everyone at the table by 7am sharp with no exceptions, but since his falling out with Ben, the disappearance of Five, and Diego’s reluctance to show up half the time, it became more of a free-for-all.

Klaus’ head felt fuzzy. He reached for his packet of pills, but couldn’t find them in his pockets. Lacking the mental energy to search for them, he opted for the little green box under his bed where he stashed the rest. Upon sliding out of bed onto his hands and knees, he discovered that the box was missing as well. His stomach tightened. He needed something to get him through the day. He spent the last of his cash a few days ago. If he couldn’t find the box, things would get very complicated very fast. He marched into the hallway and nearly collided with Diego, who was seemingly on his way out in a hurry.

“Diego, where is it?” Klaus blurted.

“Um, what?” Diego said, sounding irritated.

“The box from under my bed, give it back. I know you took it, you’re the only one who would have.”

“Are you sure you aren’t just so high that you missed it?” Diego snapped.

“I– what? I’m not high!” Klaus’s voice went up an octave.

“Well I didn’t take your drugs, I don’t do that shit.” Diego tried to push past him, but Klaus blocked him.

“It’s not drugs, Diego, I don’t do that either!”

Diego gave him a sharp glare, “I’m not an idiot. But if you really care that much then you should ask elsewhere. Dad probably decided to be a parent for once and take them away from you. After all, he only cares when something gets in the way of his big plans for us, right?”

“I… It’s important. I need–” Klaus restlessly wrung his hands as he tried to find words.

“Get out of my way, Klaus. Go bother someone else.” Diego shoved Klaus to the side with his shoulder and disappeared down the stairs.

 Klaus felt nauseous. He staggered back to his room, rubbing his face. The withdrawals were taking hold, and his desperation turned to paranoia. Looking down, he realized he was still wearing his cropped shirt. Diego saw. What if he told dad? Would dad lock him up again? His head throbbed. He pressed his fingers into his temples, begging it all to stop.

He stumbled around his room, trying to change into his uniform. Maybe if he could just act like everything was normal. Today was his training day after all. How could he possibly train with this headache? His thoughts became more and more disorganized. After looking in the mirror, he realized he looked almost as much like a mess as he felt. He took a few shaky breaths. His own blood-shot eyes stared back at him.

 _Klaus…_ a voice whispered.

He jumped back. The voice belonged to a woman. It was soft and mournful, as if she had been crying.

_Klaus, please… Help me._

He spun around, but couldn’t see anyone there. Fear welled up inside him. He felt sweat collecting under the hair covering his forehead. He tried to breathe, and he turned back to the mirror.

 _KLAUS!!_ A woman leapt toward him, causing him to trip over his feet and land square on his bottom. She vanished, but the image of her was burned into his mind. Her face was decaying her eyes were clouded. Through the holes of rotting flesh in her cheeks, he could see black, slimy remains of teeth. Her fingers that reached for him were wrinkled and shrunken, so that there was a visible outline of each bone pressing through her skin.

He whimpered and pressed his hands over his face. Paralysis spread through his limbs, and for a long moment, he sat crumpled on his floor, shaking with heavy sobs.  

He rubbed at his neck until the skin went numb and until he had no more tears left to cry. If he couldn’t have drugs, then he at least needed someone to keep him company.

After dragging himself to his feet, he slowly made his way down the hall to the next door over.

“Allison,” he said, knocking softly. There was no response. He cracked the door and peeked in to find it empty.

His heart sank. She was never around for him anymore. He moved to the next door.

“Vanya?” He called. Her door was already open, and she too was nowhere to be found.

He hesitated at the next door. Would Ben even want anything to do with him? His options were wearing thin, though. He had no choice.

“Ben?” Klaus knocked slowly. Again, he was met with silence. But he knew Ben was most likely in there, so he reached for the doorknob and pushed the door open cautiously.

“Ben… Ben!” Klaus slid to his knees beside his brother, who was strewn across the floor unconscious. Klaus rolled him onto his back and patted his cold and colorless cheeks.

“Ben, answer me, please. Wake up!” Klaus shook him and leaned in to feel if he was breathing or not. That’s when his stomach tightened. A few feet away, he saw it. The little green box from beneath his bed. His eyes followed the trail of small emptied plastic packages, and suddenly he understood. Ben had taken his pills and overdosed. He gripped Ben’s shirt in his fists and pressed his forehead into his brother’s chest.

He let out a wail and pleaded Ben to come back.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he sputtered, “Please, just… I’ll do anything, don’t leave me.”

He fell backwards and pulled Ben into his lap.

“What do I do?,” he screamed, his words barely coherent.

His head felt like it might explode, he was completely lost. His mind turned off and he suddenly had almost no sense of reality. His limbs felt weightless and weak. There was a dull pain in his chest that felt like someone tied his lungs in a knot around his heart.

“Klaus, dear. Is everything o–  Ben!” Grace’s voice rang through the air. She came into the room with a swiftness that Klaus had never seen before. She pulled Ben away as Klaus tried to maintain his grip on his brother’s arms.

“It’s ok, Klaus. It’s going to be ok. Give us some space, darling, I’m going to check his vitals.” Klaus could barely make out what she was saying, but he sat back and wrapped his arms around his knees, watching his mother with wide eyes.

Grace moved over Ben with calculated hands. Moments later, she began CPR. Klaus fell into a trance where he had no sense of how much time was passing. His thoughts were hazy and jumbled. The only feeling he could identify was fear. He saw Grace run for something and return, but he could no longer follow her actions. Everything happening before him was a blur.

After what seemed like ages, Grace sat up straight and lowered her head.

“I’m sorry, Klaus… Ben is gone.”

Her words were meaningless to Klaus. Surely Ben was ok. He had to be. This was all some sort of joke, or maybe it was a nightmare.

Grace turned to him and held out her arms. Klaus felt completely immobile, and so Grace came to him and wrapped him in a tight hug.

He sat like that for several minutes, still in total disbelief. He felt words come out of his mouth before he even had the chance to think about them.

“It’s my fault,” he heard himself say.

“No, no, Klaus,” Grace pulled away and cupped his face in her hands, “this is _not_ your fault. Ben made this choice, and there wasn’t anything you could have done.”

“I killed him, those were my pills. I killed him.” Klaus muttered, feeling every emotion returning full-force. He began to cry again.

Grace spoke in a gentle tone, but he couldn’t hear her over his own thoughts. Her voice was just muffled background noise.

She took Klaus to the living room and asked him to stay there for a while as she went to retrieve Reginald and deal with whatever needed to be done. Klaus stared up at a stuffed deer head on the wall, feeling everything but not being able to process any of it. He wondered if he could have done something differently. Maybe if he had tried to speak to Ben. Maybe if he hadn’t ignored the obvious fact that Ben wasn’t ok. Maybe if he had tried Ben’s door before Allison and Vanya’s…

A part of him still insisted that he would wake up from this nightmare in the morning.

A larger part of him focused on a single thought, one that would haunt him for the rest of his life:

_Ben died because of me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't initially plan on posting this, as I was writing it more for myself. However, I figured it would be nice to share. It's a lot more emotionally taxing to write than I thought it would be, so I'll probably only invest energy into this if people really want me to. Please leave a comment if you want to see more! <3


	2. In Darkness and Silence

Klaus lay in bed shivering. He tossed and turned in a sweaty, uncomfortable mess of blankets. His skin crawled like there were ants marching up and down his arms. He felt so cold that his bones ached. His head swam along with the room around him. He needed more drugs to make it all stop, but he swore to himself that he would never touch another pill again, not after what he did to Ben.

The frustration was overwhelming. It wouldn’t be long before he sobered up just enough for the voices to creep back in, and soon after that the dead would begin appearing to him.

There was a knock at his door.

“Go away,” he growled.

“Klaus,” Vanya’s voice was small and muffled, “I just wanted to make sure you’re ok.”

Klaus’ heart softened. Vanya was the only one who didn’t treat him like a freak. Maybe it was because she too knew what it felt like to be an outcast. The two of them always did have an unspoken empathy for each other.

He drug himself out of bed and opened the door, fully aware of how awful he looked at the moment.

Vanya stood just outside with sadness in her eyes. Klaus was expecting a strange look for his disheveled appearance, but she didn’t even seem to care. She scratched at her sleeve timidly.

“Can I come in?” she asked.

Klaus nodded and pushed the door open further.

“It doesn’t feel real, does it?” Vanya said with her head hanging low.

“No, it feels like a nightmare,” Klaus closed the door behind her and gestured for her to sit beside him on the edge of his bed.

“Mom told me what happened. It’s not your fault, Klaus.”

Klaus felt his stomach turn over.

“Other people in this house seem to disagree,” he muttered. He could still hear Diego’s voice. Diego had taken it the worst out of everyone. When he arrived home to the news, he came straight for Klaus. He yelled and yelled until his voice was nearly gone. He ranted on about how Klaus was nothing but a careless druggie. When Klaus tried to apologize, Diego pushed him up against the wall and told him something that hurt worse than any of dad’s words ever could have. He said the Klaus should have been the one to die, not Ben.

Vanya had clearly overheard all the shouting from earlier, because she nodded her head and hesitantly put her hand over Klaus’.

“Diego lost his best friend, he doesn’t know what to do. He always needs someone to blame, but he didn’t mean the things he said to you.”

“He meant every word,” Klaus shook his head, “and he was right…”

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s true. It’s my fault.”

“Stop, please,” Vanya pleaded. Klaus could hear that she was trying not to cry. “Look, I’ve… thought about it before.”

Klaus looked up at Vanya in confusion, prompting her to continue.

“I mean, I’ve thought about ending it too.”

Klaus interjected, feeling horror rise up inside of him, “what do you–”

“I’m ok now, but what I’m trying to say is that if I did go through with it, I wouldn’t have wanted you to think it was your fault,” Vanya’s voice was somber.

Klaus wasn’t sure if he should feel reassurance or terror. The thought of losing another sibling, hearing that Vanya too had been in such a dark place, it was too much.

“I’m sorry,” Vanya said, pulling her hand away.

“No,” Klaus said quickly, “I just… I worry.”

“I promise you I won’t follow Ben. I’m just trying to say that knowing him, he was just looking for an easy way out. He wouldn’t have wanted you to feel like this.”

Klaus nodded slowly, still feeling extremely conflicting emotions.

She placed a hand on his shoulder and gave a small squeeze before standing to leave.

As she opened the door, Klaus looked to her.

You can talk to me,” he said, “if you ever need. I know I’m not the best person to help, but I can listen.”

Vanya gave a sad smile and nodded, “thank you, Klaus.”

 

* * *

 

The minutes ticked by at a snail’s pace. Grace came to Klaus’ door around 7pm asking him to come and eat something, but he still felt sick to his stomach. Eating was the last of his priorities.  

Around 8 o’clock, he found himself wandering down the hallway. The house had never been so quiet. Every bedroom door was shut. Klaus wondered if his siblings were behind those closed doors. As he passed Diego’s door, he paused. He heard a faint whimper, but couldn’t tell if it was just his imagination. Ben’s door loomed ahead of him. As he reached for the knob, he felt an old impulse to knock first, but of course that was ridiculous.

The door opened without a single creak. Ben’s room was darker than his own, with only a small streak of moonlight coming through the heavy curtains. The air felt suspended and stale. Klaus took a deep breath. There was something comforting and nostalgic about being around Ben’s belongings. A wave of sadness overtook the numbness in his heart, and he felt a lump form in his throat. He knelt and ran his fingers over the spot where he found his brother.

For the first time, the full weight of his loss came crashing down over him. He felt his heart break right in two, and a sob erupted from somewhere deep in his chest. He crawled to the ground and curled up on his side, giving no effort to control his cries.

Through the silence, he heard a sorrowful voice that made him bolt upright.

_“I’m sorry.”_

The voice was Ben’s. Klaus was sure of it. He could pick it out in a crowd of thousands. He looked around in the darkness, expecting to see his brother, but the room was empty, and he was left feeling even more alone than before. The two quiet words played over in his mind as he felt his chest heaving.

“Ben, I’m here, it’s ok. It’s ok,” he spoke desperately. He was sober enough to conjure Ben by now, he had to be. He just didn’t know how. “Ben?” He would give anything to see him, to talk to him, but he was only met with silence.

He heard a small creak in the doorway, and he turned to see Diego, peering into the room with wide eyes.

“Did you–” Diego’s voice cracked.

Klaus flinched at the sight of him, remembering how hostile he was just hours ago. But right now Diego was hunched, looking helpless and desperate. He had clearly been crying. Quite frankly, he looked as pathetic as Klaus felt, and Klaus felt pity for him. Maybe Vanya was right.

“No,” Klaus whispered after a long moment of hesitation, “he’s not… I can’t…”

Diego nodded and dropped his eyes to the floor.

Klaus expected Diego to say something more, maybe something about Ben, or maybe an apology. But before he knew it, Diego disappeared down the hallway. Silence fell heavily once more, and Klaus laid back down, drawing his knees to his chest and allowing the darkness to swallow him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is so sad... It'll get happier as they start to recover, I promise. 
> 
> Please comment with your reactions and thoughts! I love love love hearing from you wonderful people <3


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